In this day and age, white people will drink to just about anything. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a high score on a video game or Shark week. Give us an opportunity and we’ll drink to it. A prime example of such drinking drills are holidays. Unfortunately, the true meaning of these holidays and events will go unnoticed or unappreciated leaving us in a drunken stupor which lacks morals and the exceeds in ignorance. The following is a countdown of the top 10 holidays to drink to and what they’re really celebrated for. So, break out your Dixie cups and fill ‘em up with some beer and let the countdown begin…

10. Thanksgiving

Where does the drinking come in?

Ok, so it’s more of a “civilized-family” drinking holiday, but alcohol is still flowing. While most families don’t knock back shots of tequila or sink balls for beer pong; wine is commonly served with meals and throughout the course of the day. This sophisticated drinking holiday happens to be the only holiday I get to see my grandmother shit-faced drunk.

But what does it all really mean?

On the fourth Thursday of November, Thanksgiving is celebrated (Unless you’re one of Queen Elizabeth’s beaver-beating, moose-jacking, iceback-hosers who celebrate on the second Monday of October). Thanksgiving was devised as a way for white people to “give thanks” for the newly acquired harvest (or land they stole from the Native Americans) and to express overall gratitude for everything else they stole or “discovered”. It was taught to us, at an early age, that Pilgrims and Indians had a nice dinner consisting of turkey and all the fixing’s, but I imagine it was more like a farewell dinner for the Natives. “Well, you had a nice tenure here, Chief Running Wind, but now I think it’s time for you to live up to your name.” This blemish in American history is covered up just as good as a traced hand can be covered with multicolored feathers. As Native Americans are becoming even more secluded or even extinct, we continue this fine tradition as one of the finest slaps in the face America has dished out in her history. Even finer than grandma’s homemade stuffing.

Why we need to drink?

Because it has been programmed into our minds, via propaganda that we need to eat and drink as much as humanly possible. So begins the winter holiday spending spree.

Preferred drink of choice: Wine and lots of it.




9. Labor Day

Where does the drinking come in?

What better to do than get hammered-drunk on your day off. That‘s basically what Labor Day means to most Americans. Now we all have days off, we realize that, but there is only one holiday that’s basis is a day away from the job. So drink it up, you worked hard for it!

But what does it all really mean?

Labor Day can be a misleading title. Do we have to perform labor all day? No, that’s not what it means. That’d be a shitty holiday I’d rather not celebrate. Labor Day is actually, a day off for all working men and women that was made official in 1894 and is observed the first Monday in September. Unfortunately, 1894 was a much simpler time in which Americans could afford to take a day off and throw some parades and barbeques. Now only wealthy white people who can afford to send a Mexican into work for them actually enjoy the day off. Everyone else has to tough it out and hope they don’t miss too many keg stands or boob flashes.

Why we need to drink?

It’s our national day off of work, goddamnit.

Preferred drink of choice: “Liquor before beer you’re in the clear“. Also, be careful not to be subjected to dehydration, September can be awfully hot.


















8. Purim

Where does the drinking come in?

I’m not a Jew or anything, but I have known a lot of Red Sea Pedestrians in my time. In that time I’ve learned that Jews like 3 things; Matzah, controlling the media and Florida. For some unknown reason, they have a fear of large ovens (someone inform me as to why that is). Recently, however, I’ve learned that Jews like to throw down some alcohol in a holiday they call Purim. Now this isn’t the uptight, week-long Hanukkah festival of lights-shit. This holiday has to do with giving the gift of food and drink so I know those Seinfeld’s are getting shitty.

But what does it all really mean?

On the 14th day of the Hebrew calendar’s month of Adar (calendar adopted from the nation of Quaglok, planet Zyzzyva) Purim is celebrated. Purim is a festival that commemorates the deliverance of Jewish people from some dude named Haman who apparently, was trying to kill them all (Sorry Hitler fans, Haman thought of it first.) Purim is one of those sundown holidays. Meaning, it starts when the sun goes down and the party lasts all damn night.

Why do we need to drink?

We all know that Jews don’t like Christians, Muslims or anyone who isn’t Jewish. This has been clarified in the bible. However, you might get lucky enough to join a Jewish friend in celebrating with his/her family. Hopefully, you can luck out with having a big nose or a Jewish name and they won’t ask any further questions. Stay away from Jew jokes and other slurs they might find offensive. You will be tempted to blurt out one every five minutes once drinking has begun, but I highly discourage such behavior.

Preferred drink of choice:

Anything Kosher.












7. Halloween

Where does the drinking come in?

Young adults tried to celebrate Halloween but without the childish trick-or-treating or bobbing for apples.

But what does it all really mean?

Derived from the Celtic holiday Samhain (not pronounced anything like it’s spelled), Halloween is a celebration of ringing in the Fall harvest that falls on October 31st. It also has to do with warding off spirits and keeping them in their eternal resting place, hence the masks and costumes. Best guess is; these spirits had an underground (literally) crop selling pyramid scheme they were running in which they’d sell crops they stole for death pardons. Nowadays, kids dress up in costumes, rape and pillage elderly peoples homes in exchange for candy and hack up innocent pumpkins only to watch their bodies decay over time.

Why do we need to drink?

Honestly, who trick-or-treats? Kids. Who drinks alcohol and watches R-rated slasher-horror movies? People that aren’t kids. Halloween has become a reason for girls to dress up as whores and guys to live out their dreams of being a pirate. What better way for both to get into character than getting plastered. Let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to have sex with a vampire-whore?

Preferred drink of choice:

This can be one of those themed occasions. Bloody Mary’s, beer with red food die or anything else that can incorporate the traditions of Halloween with the traditions of drinking.















6. Super Bowl Sunday

Where does the drinking come in?

Falling on a Sunday, white people found it hard to schedule a Super Bowl party and go to church. Realizing they weren’t going to get their weekly “Blood of Christ”, the white man had to think quick and he came up with a solution that would later abolish the need to attend church, altogether. Beer.

But what does it all really mean?

When God created American Football back in 1892, he knew he was sitting on a goldmine. He knew the rest of the world had a completely different sport with the same name, but found it funny to piss those communists off. Despite the fact American football rarely uses the foot, God created American football out of spite, spite that continues to this very day. In 1967, just as God thought he couldn’t do any better, he created the Super Bowl. This Mecca of all sporting championships would prove to be one of his finest creation to date, alongside HDTV and breasts. Granted this may not be “considered” a “holiday”, it’s only a matter of time before it’s official.

Why do we need to drink?

It doesn’t matter which team you’re routing for. What does matter is being prepared for victory or defeat. One team is going to lose, that’s why this is a man’s sport and not kids T-ball. If that team happens to be yours, you will need to drink yourself to death because your opposing peers are drunkenly prepared to taunt you.

Preferred drink of choice: Beer is preferred due to the fact that liquor can make someone angry, which is not recommended (see previous paragraph) and wine is totally prohibited during the viewing of the pre-game show, game and post-game. Also, you should not be caught drinking wine during any highlight reels for at least a year after game has been played.













5. Cinco de Mayo

Where does the drinking come in?

Through US/Mexican borders, past border patrol, in trunks, through rivers, etc.

But what does it all really mean?

Basically, Mexico was knee deep in debt with France, as well as other European countries. Being Mexico, they spent all of their money on Tequila and cigars. This action made France angry or as they say fache (that just sounds feminine, doesn’t it?) and they decided they’d attack Mexico and take some of their territory as collateral. In the game Punch Out!, this would be equivalent to Little Mac (Mexico) vs. Mike Tyson (France). Surprisingly, Little Mac defeated Frances far more superior military (how often can you say those things about France?).

Why do we need to drink?

Like everything that doesn’t belong to white Americans, they take it. Cinco de Mayo has absolutely nothing to do with white Americans, but that is of no concern to them. They have recently discovered it means “5th of May” due to it’s reoccurring celebration on the 5th day of May, this code was finally cracked. I guess, if there’s one thing white Americans can drink for on Cinco de Mayo is the fact that we’re neighbors with fence fairies instead of being completely surrounded by the riffle droppers.

Preferred drink of choice: Tequila and Mexican beer, both accompanied by a plethora of lime wedges and wheels.


















4. St. Patrick’s Day

Where does the drinking come in?

The Irish didn’t necessarily need another excuse to drink. Seriously, that’s all they do. They just needed a reason to dye their beer green. Yes, that’s what it’s come down to in Irish society…

But what does it all really mean?

St Patrick’s Day is pretty self explanatory. The day to pay homage to one of the OG’s of the Saint world; Saint Patrick. Lord only knows what Saint Patrick did that was so badass that he got his own holiday, but he did it (probably found some encrypted code within the Old Testament). So on the 17th of March St. Patrick’s day is celebrated. What is referred to as a “feast holiday” has recently leaned more towards binge drinking. Leprechauns are traditionally associated with St. Patrick’s Day because everyone resembles a leprechaun to a drunken Irishman and the color green is used because by the end of the night you end up face down in the grass.

Why do we need to drink?

Because like white-Americans, Irish people are white and unlike Mexicans; the Irish are considered people. Therefore, white Americans are obligated to pay homage to whatever it takes to get a beer, preferably a green one.

Preferred drink of choice: Green beer, Guinness, Irish car bombs, whiskey, anything with the word “Irish” on it.


















3. Independence Day

Where does the drinking come in?

It helps to repress the memories that we were once owned by Britain.

But what does it all really mean?

Before July 4th 1776, we were property of Great Britain. Scary, I know. Had our forefathers not had the biggest balls known to man, we’d all be crooked toothed, crumpet stuffing, prisoners of her majesty. Thomas Jefferson decided to “reconstruct America’s contract” and go solo. To add insult to injury, America went on to defeat the Red Coats in the Revolutionary War (also known as the first official American ass-whoopin’). The contract stood and America went on to pursue a successful career. Great Britain is know known as “America’s bitch” or “the balls to America’s shaft” (they kind of just hang around while we do all of the work).

Why do we need to drink?

Let’s face it, at one time Great Britain was a super-power that owned damn near every land mass on the planet. Unfortunately, Britain was born an undersized baby and could not keep up with their mission of world domination. Britain was similar to Family Guy’s Stewie, I guess you could say. Like many of those previously enslaved nations, America has earned it’s right to party hard at the expense of a victory over Great Britain.

Preferred drink of choice: This is one of those “anything goes” holidays. As long as you’re drinking yourself into a coma while attempting to sing America the Beautiful, you’re celebrating Independence Day the correct way.
















2. New Years

Where does the drinking come in?

Our best guess is that because it’s the end of a year and the beginning of a new, that has something to do with alcohol (see ancient Mayan beliefs)

But what does it all really mean?

It means the new year is beginning. Americans go by the Gregorian calendar, which God even proclaimed as “the correct calendar”. Some countries such as; Italy and northern Africa believe the beginning of the New Year is March 1st instead of January 1st. We call these people “mentally handicapped”. Caroline Island, a small atoll in the Pacific Ocean is the first land mass to usher in the new year. Too bad no one lives there. It sounds like they’d throw some kick-ass parties.

Why do we need to drink?

Some of us feel the need to have sexually intercourse with at least one more dirty whore before the new year has begun. This is believed to simply be “meeting ones quota”. For others, they view it as their last drink before their New Years resolution begins. Whatever reason you find yourself drinking, make sure to yell “Happy New Year!!” at all hours of the night.

Preferred drink of choice: Champagne has been symbolized as one of the traditional alcoholic beverages of New Years, but you will either need a lot of Champagne or an alcohol back-up plan.


















1. April: National Alcohol Awareness Month

Where does the drinking come in?

Well, technically, I think they’re trying to raise awareness to prevent alcohol abuse, death, blah, blah, blah. But all I see is “alcohol” and the act of being aware.

But what does it all really mean?

Yea…it does mean alcohol control/prevention. It takes place throughout the entire month of April. It’s the governments form of AA in which they urge you to admit you have a drinking problem, but only in April (you’re ok to binge as much as you want the wrest of the year as long as you acknowledge your problem in April)

Why do we need to drink?

Because the name includes the words “alcohol” and “awareness” to most, that means they have to be aware of nearby alcohol in case it requires drinking. Plus, it’s an entire months worth of excused drinking. Also, for those faithful drinkers who wish not to dabble in the world of Marijuana, you can drink your ass off on 4/20 just because it falls into Alcohol Awareness Month. Suck on that you dirty, hippy, tree hugging potheads!!

Preferred drink of choice: Anything and everything. Anyhting that contains alcohol with an exception to Smirnoff Twists and O’Douls. Everything


By; Shag aka Sean Jacobs



And apparently, some people are afraid of ketchup